Reflection

So I sacrificed a weekend in Pediatric posting and went for HFM (Health For Malaysia) 7 in KulaiJaya, Johor. It's definitely stressful, plus the long journey and tiredness. Nevertheless, everything is worth it when people just came forward and say thank you for coming from so far and give you a pat on the back.
Just feeling puzzled that some of us are still, not showing a little bit of professionalism for a doctor-to-be. Punctuality especially, is totally disregarded. Nobody is trying to change the fact that Malaysians are always late. But as future doctors, aren't we suppose to be on time? Just hope that someone will get this instead of procrastinating and waiting for each other to be late.

While on the way back to hukm, the bus stopped at RnR Ayer Keroh and I went down to move my limbs. So I sat on the chair and out of a sudden I heard a loud sigh and someone was sititng opposite me. It's an Indian Janitor, who looked so tired but still smiling, and said,

 "amoi I duduk kejap boleh..penat nih.."

She immediately reminds me of my mom, and my heart winced.

"boleh, boleh, duduk duduk"

So we started talking and she said,

"kadang kadang I tanya orang, dia tak nak cakap dengan I ni.. I kerja sapu sapu aje..bukan menipu atau mencuri pun....

And I felt sorry for her. Everyone is equal. Never look down on someone even a janitor because you can learn so much from them. You'll never know what will you gain by just greeting them, or just give them a smile.

After chatting for a while and she found out that I am a medical student, her face lighten up and she looked at me with pride. I ain't saint, which makes me feel awkward for being look up like this.

"Belajar baik baik..jadi doktor bagus ni...bagus...Selamat jalan ye dik"

Thank you for your kind words. That's definitely a booster to keep me moving.
 #fighting.

The little thing.

"I will apply for research project during summer holiday then."

"Huh. Why?"

"Then I will be in KL when you are posted in O&G."

Thank you :')

Breaking point.

I am writing this because I really don't know who else I can vent to or what else I can do. It feels like I am having time bombs inside my body, exploding again and again.

You will never understand the feeling of failure unless you experienced it. It feels so easy when you are consoling someone who failed. "You will pass" "God is playing with you" "These are the challenges for you to be a better doctor".

 And yes, this year, where we were thrown into a sea of nowhere, I experienced this. Terrible, is the only word I can think of. It never stop haunting you again and again. I start doubting myself, am I going to be a doctor?  Or perhaps my stress management is so poor that I couldn't handle it any more. I sobs whenever I got emotional and wince whenever i saw the word "O&G". Yes, to that extent.

Internal medicine ain't an easy posting to go through. It is everything you had studied for the past 2 years, including your basic sciences. And 30 minutes ago, I was reading book full of words and I got this sudden attack of breathlessness, I couldn't continue any more. It feels like something is strangling you, even deep breathing won't help. This is terrible.  

This is a final warning to myself, to start focusing and stop the negative thinking.

YOU CAN DO IT.