I am writing this because I really don't know who else I can vent to or what else I can do. It feels like I am having time bombs inside my body, exploding again and again.
You will never understand the feeling of failure unless you experienced it. It feels so easy when you are consoling someone who failed. "You will pass" "God is playing with you" "These are the challenges for you to be a better doctor".
And yes, this year, where we were thrown into a sea of nowhere, I experienced this. Terrible, is the only word I can think of. It never stop haunting you again and again. I start doubting myself, am I going to be a doctor? Or perhaps my stress management is so poor that I couldn't handle it any more. I sobs whenever I got emotional and wince whenever i saw the word "O&G". Yes, to that extent.
Internal medicine ain't an easy posting to go through. It is everything you had studied for the past 2 years, including your basic sciences. And 30 minutes ago, I was reading book full of words and I got this sudden attack of breathlessness, I couldn't continue any more. It feels like something is strangling you, even deep breathing won't help. This is terrible.
This is a final warning to myself, to start focusing and stop the negative thinking.
YOU CAN DO IT.
