Breaking point.

I am writing this because I really don't know who else I can vent to or what else I can do. It feels like I am having time bombs inside my body, exploding again and again.

You will never understand the feeling of failure unless you experienced it. It feels so easy when you are consoling someone who failed. "You will pass" "God is playing with you" "These are the challenges for you to be a better doctor".

 And yes, this year, where we were thrown into a sea of nowhere, I experienced this. Terrible, is the only word I can think of. It never stop haunting you again and again. I start doubting myself, am I going to be a doctor?  Or perhaps my stress management is so poor that I couldn't handle it any more. I sobs whenever I got emotional and wince whenever i saw the word "O&G". Yes, to that extent.

Internal medicine ain't an easy posting to go through. It is everything you had studied for the past 2 years, including your basic sciences. And 30 minutes ago, I was reading book full of words and I got this sudden attack of breathlessness, I couldn't continue any more. It feels like something is strangling you, even deep breathing won't help. This is terrible.  

This is a final warning to myself, to start focusing and stop the negative thinking.

YOU CAN DO IT.  

Finale of 2013.

Guess I won't have any mood to write until my finals is over so.. new year resolution first? lol

Mom and dad came to Cheras today. Because I keep bugging them that I will go PJ after class and have him to fetch me after that. I don't know why I need to see them so much right now. Wrong profession chosen eh? Looking at the uncles and aunties came to the clinic without their kids accompanying make me feel so bad. I am not with my parents as well isn't it. Really feel jelly with those who are by their parents' side everyday. How lucky =/

So..new year resolution:
1) Spend more time with them.
2) Be a good girl (as in stop emo-ing that much) and medical student.
3) PASS MY EXAMSSSS!!!!!!

Till then.

The "N"s in my life

If there is an epic Prof. N in O&G department, in surgery, we have a legendary Dr. N.

I feel the same whenever they are in front of me, that special aura that makes my muscles tensed up and brain function to slow down. 

Clinic #1: 

"Neoh, examine the neck swelling of this patient."

After all the palpation and percussion .....

"What are your differentials?"

*gulp. 

"erm, goiter?" *took a quick glance at her face. 

Face changes noted. Not a good answer. 

"That is a SIGN. Now give me DIAGNOSIS" 

I just stared blankly at the table and pretending I was trying hard to think while my brain is actually...empty. 

And I forgot what happened next.

Not even the simplest thyroglossal cyst I can say it out loud. Feel like smacking myself after that. 

Clinic #2:

"Neoh, clerk this patient." 

FYI she doesn't want us to clerk beforehand. She usually did it on the spot. Like this.

After booming the patient with all the signs and symptoms of hyperthyroidism, I turned and look at her..

"Not enough."

*gasped.
Think nhl thinkkkk.

ok deep breath in........"macam mana dengan period puan?"

"HA!"

oh that feels good.

***************************************************************************
Well most of the time I ended up like in the first situation. And it sometimes makes me feel so frustrated when I can't remember stuffs from pre clinical year.
Time to gear up and work harder. 


p/s: I am a "N" too! LOL  

Insane

I am not sure whether it's the sugar rush (after having roti plantar and kit kat) or the stimulations I got from OT (waited for an hour and observed a 5 mins procedure and didn't get my logbook signed) , I went freaking-ly insane today e.g. keep singing songs from frozen, talking non stop, forcing people to laugh and talk with me, and holding the cap from OT n swing it like no body business. And all I got is \(O.O)/ this look from everyone.


Well, I converted anger into insanity. Yay.

Frozen!

I am lost.

It feels like you are in a big big sea holding onto a tiny tiny piece of oak. So this is how it feels like, clinical years. Study mood come back to me pleaseeeeeeee.

" You are studying to be a doctor, not to pass exams."

*breath innnnnnnnnnnnn.

Okay. Right. Doctor. I am actually going to be a doctor.

Self motivation is so important to keep yourself on the track. The right track. Ok self slap. *slap slap.

LOL enough craps. Soooooooooooo i went to watch FROZEN!!! Like finallyyyy. Been hearing people talking about how good how nice the movie is. Disney movie lehhhh.. So... even though it's study week he still come and watch with me *sobs. Ok la maybe I got a little bit too emo recently so he promise to watch with me andddddddddd this movie completely cheers me up!

Drumrollssssssssssssssss....

TADA!

Idina Menzel's voice is so crazy freaking good that I got goosebumps even the cinema is so hot. LOL. And Olaf is so cute! Laugh-til-cry that kinda funny. X)

Thank you Mr. A for always trying to keep me away from the emo line lollll.
Jia you for exam! ♥

Surgery posting

Entering the third week of surgery posting, and no, it's not like the picture above. Entering the OT to us is a waste of time. You don't understand what's going on and ended up just stand far far away
like a wallpaper. In fact I feel that surgery is more stressful than O&G because there's a lot to read and basically you go to ward everyday and wandering around to look for procedures. The unfriendly nurses with keep telling you no when you asked whether is there any. =/
So...if you are lucky then you will have at least few signatures on your log book and if you are not....you are back with an empty brain.
Andddddd there's 2 LONG case write up to be done. T.T


http://www.mmgazette.com/how-a-pencil-became-my-teacher-ayesyah-abdullah/
Totally agree with what she said. Time to have a neholi's jar of happiness. :)

Holllydayyyyy

I'm such a lazy bum. -.- I swore that I am going to finish reading my gynae text book during this holiday (like finally) but still..the first day of holiday defined who you are for the rest of your holiday. So I ended up downloading games from google playstore and checking updates from facebook and instargram everyday. And did nothing else except eat and sleep -.- Every night I feel like throwing my phone and tab away. How pathetic -.-

I wonder how others update their blog regularly. It's like a mission impossible to me. *slap self. Well it's the 6th week in O&G and I finally got the chance to meet the most epic doctor ever. And guess what I have hyperventilation whenever she stares at me. That aura. That pair of eyes. @@
Of course, there's a lot of scoldings you can get in O&G. People can just scold you for no reason. And they won's stop scolding like forever -.- It scares me that I actually had a thought of why am I here to be scolded by you? I mean they were medical students few years back right..why so mean? I don't mind about the scoldings but if you scold me for no reason and I got zero input after that.. it pissed me off. For wasting your time and my time =/
But still, I am happy to be in O&G as most patients are pregnant mother anticipating their babyyyy. :D

So...yeah I am gonna start reading tomorrow. LOL